The Christwire Handbook

Canadians Are Really Mexicans--Just Look at Glee

A national media sensation, ChristWire.org takes righteousness beyond the bounds of reason. You can't argue the truth. If God didn't send tornadoes to warn blacks about rap music, who did? If your husband isn't a closet gay, he must secretly be Chinese. Don't send your son to college unless you want to expose him to the dangers of vajazzling. This is no joke, folks. ChristWire is here to save the world from falling into the hands of sanity.

"I'm the anti-ChristWire." --Howard Stern

"It's so good--and people on the Internet are so insane that no one gets it." --Village Voice

"In the world of ChristWire. . .the recent increase of pet-on-pet rape is a pernicious consequence of same-sex marriage." --New York Magazine

"The leading Internet site for ultraconservative Christian news, commentary, and weather reportage." --The New York Times

"ChristWire's genius (or evil) lies in its hypberbolic, worst-case scenario, Christian coverage of everything." --Jezebel.com

Jack Gould Pastor Jack "Jbox" Gould is a local best-selling author, motivational speaker, and youth pastor extraordinaire at Langley CC, where his stories about the laid-back California life and his relations to Jack-in-the-Box bobbleheads are all the rage. Jack is also one of the top-ten most-feared pro-lifers.

Tyson Bowers III Youth leader Tyson Bowers III proudly practices abstinence and teaches his youth groups the joys of a sexless life. Tyson travels the country giving lectures to students ranging from middle school to college about the dangers of homosexuality and liberals. Tyson is also a champion snowflake paper cutter.