I Only Cry with Emoticons

My boss tells me it’s embarrassing that I’ve been here for six years and I’m still at Goldfish status. Ever since we installed the gamification plug-in, he knows exactly how many Likes I’ve gotten from coworkers, exactly how many Comments I’ve made, exactly how many Best Answers and Virtual Pints of Beer I’ve received, exactly how many Blog Posts I’ve posted. He even knows how many animated cat gifs I’ve giffed, which is zero. We get points assigned to these various activities and are assigned a status level based on our points. I’m a Goldfish even though some six-monthers have already leveled up to Penguin. My boss is a Blue Whale. People think Blue Whale is the highest level, but there’s an even higher level that no one has ever achieved.

He tells me this morning that I need to @ mention more people in my Posts. The Chief Technical Officer needs to know what I’m up to. Especially after the layoffs last year. And I can’t overlook the Algorithm group. [. . .] People need more visibility into what I’m doing.

But what I'm doing a lot of the time is hiding in the bathroom and writing stories about my dead grandfather and failing to @ mention the people I especially don't want to @ mention because I'm all @ mentioned out.