Where the Hell Am I Going and How the Hell Do I Get There?
I was recently in London and had the opportunity to visit the underground bunkers used by Winston Churchill and his staff during World War II. While London was under siege, they strategized the defeat of Adolf Hitler and the Nazi regime from these secure and incredibly well-fortified dwellings, known as the War Rooms. Throughout these bunkers were maps. Many of the maps showed the locations of the different battleship groups around the world, those of both the enemy and the Allies, tracking their movement. What would they have done without these maps? They would not have been able to see the more complete picture. Not only did the maps show the layout of the current situation, they also helped the British think about and plan their next moves and develop a vision of where they wanted to end up. The strategy for winning the war was contingent on having the context and information these maps provided.
So, where are the maps for men in recovery in our quest to love and be loved? They are few and far between. Maps for women? Yes, some wonderful ones. Maps for couples? Yes, many. But maps written just for men and written by men, especially for those in recovery from addiction? Not really. Why? There is a long-standing belief that men don’t care about relationships as much as women do. The good thing is that we are not at war in our relationships. It is not a battle and should not feel like one, even though for many men I know it does. As men we attempt this journey, often with little idea of where we are going. We try to steer our ships on the treacherous seas of intimacy, vulnerability, trust, and love, often crashing on the rocks of our belief systems about men. These rocks are everywhere, and if we are not paying attention, they will sink every meaningful relationship we set foot in.
We all know that men don’t often ask for directions, even when they are lost, but they might just use a map. This book is meant to provide such a map—one that can help chart some of the territory that has yet to be crossed successfully. Just for men. Just for you. Of course, a map is of little value unless it is used.
In my first book, A Man’s Way Through the Twelve Steps, I wrote about important areas that have been poorly addressed in men’s treatment and recovery. Men and women thank me for having the courage to take on the toughest aspects of men’s recovery. As in that first book, some of the information contained here has been gathered through interviews with men I respect and admire, many of whom have been on the journey of recovery much longer than I. I interviewed over thirty men: gay and straight; older and younger; men of diverse ethnic, racial, socioeconomic, and spiritual/religious (including the nonreligious) backgrounds. Each of these men had at least ten years in recovery, and many of them had twenty-plus years. A few men even had over thirty-five years in recovery. All of them trusted me enough to be willing to be open and vulnerable in their responses. And the similarities across so many of their responses were striking.
Do Men Care About Relationships?
Bobby, one of the men I interviewed for this book, said it well: “Life is meaningful only within the context of the connections we have with the friends and family around us.” I have always cared about the relationships in my life. My guess is that you have, too. I did not always know how to show it, or have the courage to show it, and I would often act in ways that sent the message that I didn’t care. I had no map. I did not know how to navigate the terrain. Relationships are complicated and challenging territory for everyone, but particularly for men. Even today, relationships can sometimes leave me wishing I lived on a deserted island, just as they did when I was stuck in my active addiction. I still don’t always know, or have the courage to show, how much I care about the relationships in my life. I certainly do not do it perfectly.
The assumption that underlies this book is that all men care about relationships. We want to be good sons, partners/spouses, fathers, and friends, but we need help. We are shaped by these “Rules” about being males that tell us asking for help is not okay. We may follow these Rules, but they belie what is in our hearts. I have worked with, sat with, cried with, and even physically held far too many men to ever believe that deep inside of most men’s hearts is not a real desire to connect, to love, and to be loved. Yet, an incredible force inside of them pushes them to separate, disconnect, push away, and pretend otherwise. This seeming contradiction is at the heart of this book and the conversation in which I want to engage you.
The process of recovery and the Twelve Steps embodies some of the greatest tools to help us find our way in relationships. This book is for all men, but focuses specifically on men in recovery. It is another tool you can put in your toolbox to help you become more successful in all of your relationships. As Mark, one of the men I interviewed for this book, said, “Without recovery, I have no relationships.” And I would argue that without relationships, there is no quality life for any of us. This book can help you find your way when you feel lost, and you will get lost. To effectively use it, though, a real man will first have to find the courage to admit that he is lost. Then, he will have to be open to experimenting with new ideas and new behaviors that offer the possibility of finding his way back to the path toward healthy relationships.
A lot of us feel as though we were absent the day they passed out the manual on relationships in school. There is beauty in learning that we need to depend on others if we want to make real progress and that we must dig deep and take risks to go outside of our comfort zone. It requires us to humble ourselves again and again, admitting to ourselves and others that we are confused. We are lost. We are scared. We are angry. We are hurt. We are insecure. Previously, we hid all this underneath our armor of beliefs about how men are supposed to be. In this journey through life, we succeed by taking off the armor.
Any man who seeks to participate fully in his relationships will experience failure. That failure may look different for different men, but we cannot succeed without risking failure. Out of that failure comes our liberation and the transformation of our relationships as we become fully known to others. As counterintuitive as it seems, invite that failure into your life. Embrace it. Failing means you are trying and pushing yourself. It means you are being courageous in the face of fear.
To what extent do you feel encouraged to engage in your relationships? I do not mean guilt-tripped or manipulated, or any of the actions you may have taken due to a feeling of obligation. I mean encouraged. If women want men to step up in relationships, they need to encourage us and see us as partners rather than as large children. And men have to stop being passive about their participation in relationships and stop acting like children, especially when their partners need them to be serious adults. As my wife, Nancy, says, “I need my grown-up husband right now.” Time to put on those big-boy pants.
Those men who truly care about and want to improve how men are viewed in the context of relationships need to speak up because there are too many men acting out the most damaging parts of the masculine script, giving women and others every reason to believe the worst about them. They take the more stereotypical macho path and typically hurt a lot of people along the way, including themselves. Yet, even most of the guys we consider “jerks,” “cretins,” “playas,” and “douche bags” want more out of their relationships and want to be more within them—they simply do not know how to get there. They are confused, unsure, and scared. They are acting like boys. They are following the “Man Rules” to a tee. They want love and connection, but they don’t have a map. They are simply adrift.
